Letter to Malvina

I had Natasha translate this letter so I could give it to Malvina today.

My dear sweet friend, Malvina,

It makes me so sad to see you feeling so miserable. Neither of us have done anything wrong.  You are simply following what your heart is telling you is right, and that is how God talks to us.  

I know you don't want to hurt my feelings and can't bring yourself to share your heart with me, but it's really important to share feelings.  So I'm going to share mine first in this letter to you.  Maybe it would be easier for you to share your feelings in a letter to me.  I can get it translated.  

When I first heard you had changed your mind, I came home and cried for a while. I was confused and filled with questions.  I felt it was God who had placed the desire in my heart to come adopt you.  Why would He now tell you it is wrong?  Why didn't he know that when he placed the desire in both of our hearts last spring? What will I tell all my friends when I come home with no daughter?  Why have I wasted so much effort and money?  Maybe it was only my imagination that God had directed me to come adopt you.  Nothing made sense.   

I knelt down and prayed for understanding. First I remembered how selfless and kind you were to me when I let you down last December.  Your concern was for my family--not yourself.  I realized that selfish, worldly thoughts were filling my mind, and as I began to stop focusing on my own embarrassment and frustration and loss, I was filled with a surprising sense of peace --- a feeling it is OK --- even a sense of relief.  

I have been so worried that you might not be happy in a home filled with only boys and an older mom.  It would be a big change from the many girl friends you have so much fun with at the orphanage. There are many girls in our neighborhood who are very anxious to meet you, but they are often busy with their families and activities. How would I keep you entertained?  Could you be happy just doing things with Eli, Alex and me until you've made new friends?  I know these are not the main concerns that have been troubling your heart this week, but they have been burdening me.  

As I understand it, your main concern is that our relationship feels different than you imagined and hoped it would feel. You don't feel the natural closeness which is so necessary between a mother and daughter.  I have found that love seldom begins instantly.  It is something that grows as people spend time together, and are thoughtful and kind to each other, and as they make sacrifices and care for each other. 

If your heart is telling you we could never develop that kind of closeness with each other, it would be very unfulfilling and miserable for the two of us to go through life feeling unloved. It is far better for you to express that to me now. 

When I prayed, God gave me a great sense of peace and accomplishment.   I feel I have completed what He asked me to do---to make the sacrifices to come here to adopt you --- and to accept in a Christ-like way however it turns out.  Whatever you decide will be OK with me.  Maybe this is just a test God has given me.

What makes me feel sad is seeing how miserable you are feeling.  I feel so much love for you, but I want you to do whatever Heavenly Father wants you to do. I'm not sure what that is, but I would like to teach you how I have been taught to find out. 

First, try to remove all un-Christ-like thoughts from your mind. Things like anger, selfishness, pride, sadness, embarrassment and fear.  Fear is a feeling that Satan uses to keep us from growing and progressing.  It's one of his best tools.  The Holy Ghost can't enter your heart and communicate with you if you are filled with those kinds of feelings.  

Then kneel down and pray to Heavenly Father.  Don't ask Him what you should do.  Tell him what you're feeling and what you think you should do.  Tell him what you have decided to do, and then ask Him if that's what He wants you to do.  Stay on your knees until you get a feeling or a thought. If it is what Heavenly Father wants you to do, a feeling of peace will come over you. I usually feel happiness and maybe even excitement.  If you instead feel confusion and fear, it is not the correct decision.  Present a different decision to the Lord. And keep presenting new ideas until He gives you a feeling of peace and joy.  Sometimes it takes many days to arrive at correct decisions.  But He will answer you quickly this time.

I know you feel you've already made your decision, but as a favor to me, please make absolutely sure it is what Heavenly Father wants for you as well.  

I think you are one of the finest, most lovely people I have ever met.  Nothing will change that.  I will always cherish the privilege I have had of getting to know you.  I hope we can continue to be friends, and I want our last days spent together to be happy ones.  I still haven't had a chance to beat you at Ping Pong.  Do you think we might be able to play one day this week?  I'm still planning to come to the orphanage each day this week if that's OK with you.  I've come too far not to enjoy being with you and my other friends.  

I love you,

Christie