I walked in to the director's office to see a puffy, red-eyed Malvina with the saddest expression on her face. Tamara and Vera, our translator were also there. Malvina was completely silent.
At least I had a night to process this heart breaking news. I had reviewed in my mind how our relationship seemed increasingly more distant after spending last weekend watching President Hinckley's talk to the YW and unsuccessfully shopping for a modest Sunday dress. She had done homework for 5 hours one night. She didn't have any time to go to the Ping Pong club with me. And she didn't sit by me during dinners at the orphanage, but maybe she had an assigned seat. The other girls seemed more excited to see me, but when I questioned her the day before to see if everything was OK, she had said it was fine.
So I called my Salt Lake translator friend, Marina, and asked if she'd talk to Malvina for me. Malvina said she just started feeling in her heart she would not be happy. It didn't feel right, and she didn't feel close to me like she had imagined she would.
I spent the night rehearsing in my mind what I might say to her. After all the time, money, effort and mental anguish that had gone into this year-long process, I wanted to guilt-trip her into changing her mind. How dare she change her mind after assuring me each week she was so excited to do this.
Then I remembered how I had devastated her last December 27th by not getting on the airplane to come get her. When I called to explain that I hadn't come because my family was in turmoil over this, she was selfless and gracious in assuring me it was OK. She didn't want to cause a problem for my family. That was the moment that totally won my heart and convinced me Malvina was so special.
I cried for a while and prayed for a while. As I thought about just accepting her decision, a peace came over me, and I decided I owed her as gracious a response as she had given to me a few months ago. Then a sense of relief entered my heart. I've been worried about carrying the entire burden of her happiness myself because there hasn't been much support for adopting Malvina from my biological sons. As much as I love her, I don't know if she could be happy in our home. But I felt a huge responsibility to not break her heart a second time. And I felt the Lord had directed me to provide one of his precious daughters with a mom. I realized I had done my part by coming, but the adoption would be her choice.
As our meeting began, I asked Malvina if she could share with me what she was feeling. She was silent. I told her what Marina had shared with me and asked if that was correct. She was silent. I told her I only wanted her to be happy and to be able to live her dreams. If that meant not coming to be my daughter, it was fine. I was not angry. I understood. I told her how much I admired her, and how much I'd come to love her during the past year. If she needed me to love her only as a friend in America, that would be OK, but I would not stop loving her. I asked her if the church stuff had frightened her. Or if it was the boys lack of support. She never said a word. I finally asked if she had prayed. She finally stood up and walked out of the room without uttering a single word for 40 minutes. The director had really pressured her to change her mind. Later I found her sitting on the floor by her bed, curled up like a ball. She still couldn't talk or even look at me.
I had Marina call her again to say it's OK. My heart will survive. Marina talked with her for 40 minutes and only got yes's and no's, but at least she got her talking again. I was really worried about her. She just wasn't feeling the way she had looked forward to feeling with me.
Alex and Eli are so disappointed, but primarily because they wanted to stay for another 5 weeks. We'll stay until our court date on Thursday morning just in case she has a change of heart, but that's not likely, and surprisingly I'm still feeling peace and relief. It's funny after all these months of excited anticipation. But it's OK.
I'm so sorry all this happened Christie, but I'm also thankful that the Spirit has given you the peace to do something very hard. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWow... Mom I'm proud of how you're taking it. It's understandable that she doesn't want to start it all over in a completely different culture with all that she's already established there.
ReplyDelete.
It sucks knowing that I voted against another child in the family, and that she may have gotten the impression that I didn't want her to come her. I'm easy to please and she and I would probably have gotten along alright. She seems like she would have been well-behaved. I was really excited to meet her.
Oh Christie, I am so sorry to hear this news, but I'm glad to know you are feeling peace. You are a strong woman to go forward with your plans for this adoption so shortly after having completed one. Again, we see you moving forward, strong, and able to accept a decision that is difficult to hear. I admire you for being able to stay calm and prayerful and considerate of this sweet girl! I can only imagine how your heart must hurt. To love her enough to let her make this decision really is love. I hope that you and she can continue to feel peace. Our prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie, It is just so much harder for these kids when they are older , they have a better idea of what we expect from them, and they have been given a lot of freedom so it is overwhelming to them to think about having to adapt to parents, rules, expectations, and a new religion they are unsure of. She understandably has connections that run deep there. My son had serious second thoughts once we got to Ukraine and he nearly backed out several times. The sad thing is the kids that have changed their minds almost always regret it. I hope she can regroup and change her mind, but if not I think it is wonderful that you are being so loving with her.
ReplyDeletep.s. have her call Anastasia Wendelbo, she probably could talk her through some stuff and they are from the same orphanage and the same age.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your emails, love, support and prayers. It means so much to me. I wasn't going to make a blog for this adoption because I thought it would just be a quick slam dunk. Now I'm really grateful to have a support group.
ReplyDeleteDid you know in Ukraine the church bells ring every 3 hours all day AND ALL NIGHT on Easter? I'm so glad we're living so close to the church ;)
I remember the 36 hours Lydia did not want to come! Ouch! I wish I had a crystal ball to tell you what will happen. My gut feeling is she will come! I think Satan is really giving one last effect to stop this! Though when we have a hard day like today with the children at home coming home without them would have been easier!!
ReplyDeleteI know from personal experience that knowing people were reading about what was going on and ESPECIALLY the comments people left on my blog were (still are) such a huge lift to me. I'm so glad you're writing all this down. My heart goes out to you. I understand, at least some, what you're going through since Ira was much the same way. I'm praying for you and for that continued peace no matter how things turn out this week. Know that we're all here for you! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAwww...Christie. I wish I had some great words of wisdom. All I can say is that if she thinks she'll be miserable - it's better to stay? For everyone involved? But I bet she will come to regret it. I have a 15 year old and a 17 year old and they are pretty much grown - it would be hard to leave all that you know - both good and bad - and start over in a new country, with a new language, and with a family belonging to a religion that is NOT what you are use to or every planned on.
ReplyDeleteIt's a big deal for most young women to be sexy in Ukraine. Women save up for months to buy their heels, leather mini skirts and fur coats. They might only have one outfit and wear it each day but this choice outfit usually doesn't fall into the standards set by the Strength of Youth guidelines.
It's heartbreaking to see her give up so much for so little.
I hope she has a change of heart - you and she will be in my prayers.
God knows her and God knows you and whatever happens is in God's hands. May you find continued peace and may Malvina open her heart to hear the Spirit and follow through be it to stay or go. It's obvious that she does not feel peace with this decision or your gracious opening to just be friends would have been agreed to in a heartbeat. She must want more than that yet feels so conflicted.
God speed my friend.
She hasn't had a mom to love her for the past 8 years. I think she was hoping to feel those 8 years of love and nurturing all on in our first day together. She'd been imagining it for over a year.
DeleteThe funny thing is, I feel that much love for her. I don't know if she wanted me to be more physically affectionate or if I was too affectionate. It's hard to express 8 years of love with thumbs ups, thumbs downs and Google translate's confusing mis-translations. I wish we'd had a translator come with us that first weekend. And we shouldn't have been looking for Sunday dresses and too low, too tight jeans. We should have been doing huge thumbs up and "Wow, look at you" things.
I would feel horrible if she came home with me, and I couldn't make her happy. So I still feel an odd sense of relief, but also a great loss because she's such a fantastic girl.